I hope that when I wake up in the morning…

 

Tuesday, April 11, 2023

 I wake up with you beside me. I hope this is all just a bad dream…. I don’t think you’ve ever had one this bad before. I hurt inside. I didn’t know I would feel this way. 

I didn’t know this camper was too big for only one person, but I already knew time without you is really just a waste of time. Of course this day would come,  but until this moment I pretended it wouldn’t. 

I’ve learned you become acclimated to things that were once overwhelmingly painful. Now those moments you greet like an old friend who’s been with you through thick and thin. I am who I am because of countless moments such as these. 

Growing old, dying and why some of us don’t fear the inevitable.

There is a time to leave the party. You have had a good time, have had your fill, you’re a bit wobbly from too much drink and conversation. The crowd has thinned, at least of anyone you know. In fact, most of your family and many of your friends have left already. You find less and less in common with the other guests and it becomes an effort to put on a fresh face and pretend you care about petty concerns.

The newer guests are still living it up and it gives you comfort to know they will keep the party going without you.

If you stay any longer you fear you’ll make a fool of yourself. You might pee your pants or babble incoherently. No matter how hard you try, you can’t always hear what others are saying. If you stay any longer you just know you are going to become a drag and your hosts, while concerned, will have to divert time and attention to you which might be used more constructively elsewhere.

You look around and realize, the party is no longer one where you fit. They are dancing to tunes you don’t recognize and they use words not in your lexicon. You are really not interested in adapting to new ways. Peace and quiet seems more prized than frantic activity.

The thought crosses your mind: it’s time to go home.

This was written by Carolyn Wexler on Quora. What a beautiful way to express oneself.  

What have you been up to?

This happened about six years ago.  I was in a doctors office in Logan, Utah.  An older gentleman who was into retirement age walked out of one of the examination rooms and back out into the lobby where he saw another gentleman that appeared to be somewhat the senior of him. He greeted him warmly, as you would a friend, and asked how he was doing. The man looked him steady back in the eyes, but I saw those those eyes from where I sat and something behind his solid gaze belied a fear that comes with the inability to do anything about a situation you are facing.  He said in a voice hinting of some surprise and concern, “I got old.  I got old.”

That’s how I’m starting to feel.  I’m getting old. I’m not old yet like these two gentlemen were but it’s close. On occasion I’m told I look young for my age but what does that matter when Im really old?   I don’t feel my age. Let me clarify that... my body feels every year I’ve lived but my mind doesn’t... not yet.  I feel like John Lennon must’ve felt when he sung that life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. With all I’ve experienced in recent years I bet I’ve written 100 drafts that I’ve never posted on my blog because they always read back to me as too personal for the moment.  Over time I intend to publish them, as the content draws further and further from me. There’s not thing I can do about the past, and one day I’ll realize that “I got old.”  I working so that I can look back and, all in all, not wish I’d lived era’s of my life differently than I did.

Practically every single thought of mine over the last few days has been about my kids, especially the three youngest, since I saw them for the first time in a year and five months.  I could not possibly give an adequate amount of attention to all I havev felt and internalized and want to express every bit of it but that isn’t practical so allow me a few quick observations.

First, the interaction at our reunion was so very natural feeling. That’s how it was from the start.  There’s a possibility that there is more than one reason. I think most importantly it’s because we have always enjoyed an extra special relationship with both love and respect. However, I think their mom has kept me close in conversations and and knowing her as I do it was more likely than not good things. Where the thing gets fubared is was ultimately her decisions rather than my behavior that kept a child apart and no one can give us that time back. This is where I would bet she is glad she has a protective order.  In the quiet of night when she ease up on her own mental force fi has also Second, I had really felt like I had been done dirty with all this that happened and so had my kids but I had to de use what was bigger, my anger and hurt feelings or my love of my children.  I’ve seen lots of people get this one wrong in my day. I wasn’t going to get if wrong, for my kids sake, and I was to find out, for mine.  I had to let all that go, all the things that can only be classified as mean and vengeful. I had to get to s point where I was more than just ok with it.  I had to be in a place where I could discuss it and be emotionally alright with that. More than that even, I would need to be calming for the kids. People say they will do anything for their kids but they don’t really have that commitment.  I did. There’s no nice way to describe some of the things I went through and certainly no one was at fault for all of them. However, the ones I attached to mywife emotionally, I have let go. It was a process but in retrospect it feels liberating.  Last of all, some of the things that I used to think meant so much to me just doesnt anymore.  As far as my children go, it is my belief that nobody can love another as much as I love them and this is more than lip service.  My life and how I’ve lived it and the choices I’ve made say as muck.

Worth the 90 seconds you’ll spend reading it...

In a mother’s womb were two babies.

One asked the other: “Do you believe in life after delivery?”

The other replied: “Why of course. There has to be something after delivery. Maybe we are here to prepare ourselves for what we will ask later.”

“Nonsense,” said the first. “There is no life after delivery. What kind of life would that be?”

The second said, “I do not know, but there will be more light than here. Maybe we will walk with our legs and eat from our mouths. Maybe we will have other senses that we cannot now understand.”

The first replied, “That is absurd. Walking is impossible. And eating with our mouths? Ridiculous! The umbilical cord supplies nutrition and everything we need. But the umbilical cord is short. Life after delivery is to be logically excluded.”

The second insisted, “Well I think there is something and maybe it’s different than it is here. Maybe we will not need this physical cord anymore.”

The first replied, “Nonsense. And moreover, if there is life, then why has no one ever come back from there? Delivery is the end of life, and in the after-delivery there is nothing but darkness and silence and oblivion. It takes us nowhere.”

The second responded, “Well, I do not know, but certainly we will meet mother and she will take care of us.”

The first said, “Mother? You actually believe in mother? That’s laughable. If mother exists, then where is she now?”

The second said, “She is all around us. We are surrounded by her. We are of her. It is of her that we live. Without her this world would not and could not exist.”

The first said, “Well I do not see her, so it is only logical that she does not exist.”

The second replied, “Sometimes, when you’re in silence and you focus and you really listen, you can perceive her presence, and you can hear her loving voice calling down from above.”

-Utmutato a Leleknek

Oh Snap!

I'm not the typist I hoped I would be one day so things just didn't get finished as I had hoped. However, I found myself with some free time the last 70 days and ventured out into new territory and ended up writing my first novel. 

It is titled Jonathan Coverlet and the Supplanter Queen. 

What's it about?

It's a dirty story of a dirty man, And his clinging wife doesn't understand. His son is working for the Daily Mail. It's a steady job, But he wants to be a paperback writer.

Well, not really but it probably falls best into the "fantasy/horror/I'm not sure how to categorize it" genre. I'd read an Orson Scott Card introduction to Ender's Game where he explained that you can't really develop a believable character without showing how they interact with people around him. Not a person, but people is what burrowed into my brain. You're a different person with each individual you interact with. How someone treats their boss, versus a partner, versus a child, versus those he feels superior and inferior to. 

At that point I thought, oh my hell, I think I might be able to do that. I've read so much crap in my day, I'm going to give it a shot. So I started with Jonathan Coverlet had began describing his interactions with others, and a story began to form. Kind of like, "I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out." 

Did I succeed? I don't know. What I do know is I created a handful of characters that I grew to love and who took on entities of their own, or so it felt. Regardless, I personally love them all and whether or not anyone else is still reading, I consider it one of the most fulfilling experiences in my entire life. I will be posting it online, chapter by chapter as I input it into digital form, as I wrote the whole damn thing with copy paper and a number 2 pencil. Why is that?  Well, that's another post. 

So when I get chapter one into binary code I will put a link here and invite you into the world of Jonathan Coverlet's. 

I'm Sailing Away...

I've set an open course, for the virgin seas...  #snickergigglesnort

(Is it just me or wasn't Dennis DeYoung the real voice of Styx, all their songs considered?)

🛥 As we sail through life, sometimes we make mistakes. We're human, here to learn and understand in order to gain wisdom.

🛳 And as we're sailing through life, some humans choose to make mistakes that continue to hurt over and over. Those humans who've chosen NOT to learn and understand in order to gain wisdom are foolish.

🚢 Ever sailing, some of the foolish humans choose to hurt other humans over and over. These are hurtful, foolish humans masquerade as if they are not hurtful and foolish. The wise choose to spend their lives with others like themselves.

⚓️ Bottom line? As you sail through life don't lay your anchor with a fool 🤡.

🎵 You can't live your life in one day... 🎶

The question that follows reminded me of that Howard Jones song. Anyway...

Q: What is life in one word?

A: Perspective 

Follow the way of the emoji, grasshopper, and learn its wisdom.

😀😃😄😁😆😊☺️🤣😂😅😇🙂🙃😉😌😚😙😗😘😍😋😜😝😛🤑🤗🤓😎🤡🤠😟😔😞😒😏😕🙁☹️😣😖😡😠😤😩😫😶😐😑😯😦😳😵😲😮😧😱😨😰😢😥😴😪😓😭🤤🙄🤔🤥😬🤐🤕🤒😷🤧🤢😈👿👹👺💩🤝👍👎🤘✌️🤞👌🖕👋🤙👋☝️✌️🤞🤘

I wish I could say this this was my original thought but I read it somewhere else and can't remember where. If you know, email me so I can give credit where it's due.

You can describe it as Adaptation, but the things you feel you have to adapt to is again based on how you perceive the situation.

You can describe it as an experience, but you can remember it as a good one or a bad one, that is always on your perception. Same thing makes up your memories, your perception sets them as either good memories or bad ones.

Bliss, Unjust, Futile, Unfair, Struggle, Happy

These all are nothing but perceptions. We have all these words for life because these all are based on different situations each individual faced. For example, You can be in the worst of situations and still remember it by one good memory which lights you up, that will be a good memory, incident, experience in your mind. You will then just perceive it as something beautiful.

On the other hand...

You can be in the best of situations surrounded by friends and family, but a burden you are facing. A small burden which is feeling too heavy for you at the moment to handle is there. Its bringing you down and years later, when you remember that situation, you just can’t help it but remember it by that one small burden. In your perception, that will always be something sad.

So, it doesn’t matter if you are in a war or a family gathering, it doesn’t matter if you were in a car accident or publicly awarded, your perception will always define your life.

I'm Paul Harvey, good day!

So no, not really.

And so the obstacles continue in an effort to be my kid's dad...

Updated...

Originally posted in April. 

This is the last email I sent my wife.  I never did get a response, however at sentencing last week for violating the protective order (see previous posts regarding what I did to help put it in perspective) my attorney told me she was complaining that I was using the kids as hostages in the divorce. Then everybody had a good chuckle, as you have to have people in order to hold them hostage and she has kept them from me for close to a year with a protective order. (Again, see previous post for the details.)

Here is the email I sent.  I thought I was reasonable.  I can promise I was sincere. 

April 13, 2017

Hello Jamie, 

With birthdays coming up, I am giving one last go of this.  For the healthy development of our children and to lay aside personal differences for something bigger than us, I am hoping you will be willing to take one last look at what I have been communicating with you about child visitation. In return I am offering new things to you as well. 

You and I know that the courts prefer both parents to be involved in the children's lives. It would only take you giving the nod of approval and that would allow the children's lives to find some sort of balance that has been missing.   

By working together with visitation now, I am willing to offer you some unprecedented support from me. I’ll do just about anything that helps you. I will go to the courthouse today and sign that divorce or take the next available  class. Just name it. Let me be a dad who can visit with the kids in an environment they can enjoy.  I can support you in any endeavor or relationship you want to pursue... if you'll just let me be a dad.  

The girls birthdays are approaching as well as my own and while there is little chance of them seeing me on mine, there is a chance to have their dad around at some point for theirs, even if just for a few moments.  That would mean more to them than anything anyone could buy.   

I want you to be happy. I want you to pursue the things you want to as this can only lead to our children having a more fulfilling life of their own. If there is something you need to see from me so that I can visit with the kids in a healthy and nurturing environment, let me know what it is so that I can provide you with it.  Every piece of medical documentation I have gathered supports the assertion that I am good to go around my own kids and anyone else for that matter. 

I feel this is a big deal and a big moment and opportunity.  I feel that way because we can both positively affect the children in ways that would benefit them far greater than anything else we could do.  I am offering to you the support and the understanding that I know you would want and I want to give it to you. I'm asking for only a fraction of it in return.

I hope your day goes well. 

Jonathan

And that's all the news that's fit to print. 

What I connect with is who I am.

When life starts to hit me hard I read things about the importance of fatherhood and soon I'm feeling pretty good again because I connect with the positive parts of it, both the tough and the easy.  Sometimes you just "get" something. I get being a dad.

I've held strong through some messed up things because I know my worth is recognized by my children, that's a fact, and in the end that's all you need. Time will validate you were capable of complete love for another because you were committed to keeping your word and commitments. Your true love expressed with promises kept and faithful to the end. That makes me respectable. I'd like to say it makes me bad ass and cool but I already was that. 

Parenting magazine shared studies that didn't suggest, but concluded, that involved dads equal successful children.  As a father to two soon to be teenage girls, it popped right out to me that a teenage girl is less likely to become pregnant or suffer from depression if their dad is actively involved in their lives. They are less likely to have difficult school years. Hmm.  What about that!  Dads are just good to have.  

Best Hits Ever on a Page in ONE DAY!!!

Whoever thought one of my posts would ever get hundreds of hits in a week!

My last post did exactly that. (Book 'em Danno!)

Hell, a hundred in a day.

Awesome.

Thanks to everyone for the interest, morbid curiosity or whatever.

But seriously, a sincere thank you to all those who contacted me for reasons I am very grateful for.

Book 'em, Danno! (for you five-oh fans)

This promises to be an interesting post.

If you didn't get here from Facebook then what is important to know is I went to jail yesterday because my wife, Jamie Morrow Johnson, called the police... on me. I should say my estranged wife. The behavior continues to get more bizarre. I sometimes wonder where our children rank in importance with her because it's not first and foremost when she pulls some of these stunts. She's clearly influenced by her boyfriend who continues to display more evidence that he doesn't give the same kind of concern for the children versus someone who is emotionally invested all the way.   

I still remember when I would think of her as the most fantastic wife and mother.  The things she does now makes me cock my head to the side and think I don't even know who this person is. This first email I have posted below is the initial contact email.   Understand, there hadn't been any contact or communication between us since July. We've been married 16 years. I think I will post some older emails between us so you can see how things used to be in what it has been reduced to. It's really quite sad.

With all she's done I'm so over her and I wish she'd just get over me and learn how to treat me normal instead of something you still carry around with you. Word on the street is she takes me where ever she goes. I wish she'd just leave me behind but for whatever reason cannot so I guess it's no wonder her boyfriend displays such envy and jealousy issues with me. That's the only thing that would explain his behavior of trying to put things in my face that he can do with my children and I cannot. So for all the good points I'm sure he has,  it doesn't keep the children from seeing him as counterfeit... an imposter may be more accurate.

One thing I'm totally comfortable with is I know I'm a good dad.  I know that he's probably struggling with that because it's hard to replace something that certainly never needed to be replaced.  The shoes that, in fairness, no one can fill. If you've had your dad there with you your whole life and he brings something special to your world... that's something that is irreplaceable. So you can't blame the the guy for not winning anybody over, nor can you blame him for probably not wanting me to be around because of the intimidation of it all but the fact that he's so fully immature about the situation he's incapable of handling is ALL ON HIM. His diffidence is hidden behind a Bravado that is indicative of his young age. Someday, if they do the things that are necessary to grow up... AND if they can get past their own issues they will have with each other because there's been an inappropriate relationship during a marriage... AND the understandably natural tendency to have distrust in the relationship because the way it started... pending all that maybe they'll let me out of the relationship completely. I certainly do not like being  in it. Unbelievable.

The initial email.

Hello Jamie,

I don't know if you are yet willing to discuss ways that are agreeable to the both of us regarding my having a elationship with our children, but if you are I would like to have that conversion. I believe this is the venue which the court had allowed me to initiate that topic for us to talk about.  I would be grateful if you would let me know your feelings on the subject.

Thank you,

Jonathan

Her reply...

Jonathan,

Yes, you're are allowed to email me in regards to visitation with our children. However, the only legal way for you too see our children at this time is through supervised visitation. The judge has ordered that. For me to allow the children too see you outside of supervised visitation would mean that I would be breaking the law. There are multiple agency's that you can go through to be supervised. Once you have chosen an agency, and scheduled it, please email me so I can arrange to have them be there.  They miss you, and can't wait for you too do that.

Jamie

My reply...

Jamie,

Thank you for responding.  I hope you will understand where i am coming from and the place from which I will be expressing myself as I reply. First and foremost, I am not angry or harboring ill will towards you. I'm just going to hope you believe that because it's true, and admittedly it took a lot of work inside of me to get here but it's the reality of the situation and well worth my efforts.

There are several reasons why I will not participate in supervised visitation, and feel it is in keeping with our children's best interest in mind. Admittedly, at one time,  it would have been my pride that would have been the reason... but as I stood on the precipice of losing much of what I value a few months ago,  that pride now means so much less to me than it did when you taunted me with supervised visits with Shane. The judge has a copy of the most thorough mental and physical examination of me and my health that I have ever undergone and Dr. Tomco's conclusion along with it that supervised visitation was unnecessary, although I doubt he ever read it. It had to have been at least 20 pages or something like that and I paid for it in an effort to try and avoid what ended up happening anyway.

Of course I am very disappointed that you have made the decision to keep that a condition in order for the children and I to have a relationship.  No agency, to my knowledge,  has required it. The only reason the judge did is due to your request.  When you are ready for our children to have the relationship they (heart and soul) yearn for and no longer perceive that as a threat to your quality of life,  then I'm sure you can get that dismissed through a written request, like anything else you have put into place. Unfortunately I've heard it can take quite an amount of time for that to happen once the ball gets rolling and if you are choosing to standby that then the children and I will just have to wait. Of course going just one mile over the speed limit is breaking the law as well but do as you think you should. It is my feeling that there is just no reason to hide behind the judge's orders as they would have never gone that way without you making that request. I've come to accept it without passing harsh judgements onto you and so I will continue as I have been,  which choice I made after speaking with a family counselor. It was the closest thing my insurance would cover to a children's therapist.

I hope they have a wonderful holiday season.  It breaks my heart I will not share it with them,  that I will miss things like watching the Polar Express with them but that is completely not in my hands and totally in yours.  Again, I am saddened by your choice and grieve even more the things I must have done that would have been an influence in your decision, although I cannot think of incidence so extreme that I did with them that would justify it.

But that is water under the bridge at this point, and based on professional advice to some extent but mostly my gut feelings and conversions with God,  I will continue with the status quo and not do something like supervised visits. It will only bring more complications into their lives, and just bring on more confusion as to why dad would be any different than mom when it comes to spending time together. We will just have to wait until the appropriate  time when we can enjoy each other's presence as we always had in the past.

Admittedly it is surprising (and I have been surprised to the point of shocked many times in the last few months) you find the requirement a greater need than the relationship we are not able to nurture as parent and child. I will be compliant with the court, however, and stay away. One of the most unfortunate things to change my life during this time is I find myself constantly scanning inside stores back and forth with my eyes to make sure I would see the kids before they see me if by chance we were there at the same time so I would be able to dip out and not be seen by them. May you never have to experience that. You may think you've never done anything that would be a reason that you would have to be in that situation but of course I feel the same way. I hope they know I have remained close by and am just waiting until we can reunite.  That will be a very wonderful and happy time for us all.  I'm sure you will notice a positive difference in them at that time, as the relationship we share is vital to a childs healthy development and self esteem.  I wish you the very best this time of year as well. I really mean that. For me,  what's in the past is mostly all in the past and hope you find the season to be all you want it to be.

Again,  thank you for replying and when you make the decision to petition the court to remove the current restrictions to seeing them please let me know,  if you would.

That ended up being a lot longer than I thought it would, but I believe it was all things that were important and on topic.

-Jonathan

One scary dude I guess.

There are bigger things in life.

Some people have reasons to be hurt, angry and feel justified in getting in their big 'get evens.'  As true as it is, it's not good for the children. The impact is going to be, if not already, very big.  I have laid all my hurt aside for them, but it takes two to make this transition work. I want to do it for the kids, myself and the other side of the equation. They would need to want do the same. The impact is the impact of a lifetime for our children.  That's a lot to think about.

Abuse of the System

This is how it really is...  My wife had been doing all the things that were my 'buttons to push" before she decided to try and make a clean break from me.  I love being a dad.  It's the best and she knows I feel that way and am passionate about it.  She also knew I was trying to repair us, and our marriage. So she decided to tell me one night she has a boyfriend and it all just goes down from there. Sticking up for him over me, belittling me in front of him (Why can't you be a real man?  Let your balls drop. I don't know what I ever saw in you to marry you in the first place!)  Those are texts from her as well. 

I gave my wife the mothers day she asked for.  Do you know what I got for Fathers Day?  I gave her a 12 and a half hour opportunity to travel one whole mile so I could see the kids, since I'm not welcome there by her parents.  I didn't see them at all.  Her boyfriend was over her house for two hours the same day.  This is not an isolated incident.  The 4th of July weekend was a four day weekend, and I saw the kids for 2 hours, total.  I was turned down from seeing them at all over half the time.  Would that make you upset?  It did me too and I asked her IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE EVEN, to please tone it down for a few days.  I needed a break. So instead she stepped it up with the flaunting of the special relationship with her friend and the zero worth of ours.  She took out a protective order.  She couldn't get me to hurt anyone, even the boyfriend, because I was focused on just wanting to do as I said earlier, so she used harassment as the reason for the order... this coming from the woman who has been overtly using the kids to make my life more difficult and has been known to call me 30 times in a few hours when I have asked her not to call.

During this time I went to my doctor for some type of help, citing her emotional abuse of me. He prescribes medicine for my anxiety and other things and he literally gave me valium because I spent the entire time shaking and crying which, if she knew, would probably make her feel a sense of accomplishment. 

I received a phone call the other day saying my dad was laying on the driveway, he was probably having a stroke or another heart attack and whether he would make it or not was questionable.  I had a protective order on me but I thought, this is family and serious, she wouldn't make an issue of this.  Text were sent to her (I am not saying by who as you will learn why in a second) to see my kids, to bring them down, that every concern she had, had already been cleared by my doctor, etc.  Did I see my children?  No, instead I had 5 police men come to my door and arrest me on 8 counts of breaking a protective order (my father's life was up in the air) which are third degree felonies.  "Thanks there good buddy!" my heart sang. That's the right thing to do, and she sure isn't using the system... at all.  She is the victim.  Right...

Someday I will most likely be reduced to things like she is doing, as that is where the unceasing behavior leads to, for sure. Every time. She thinks that will work in her favor, and it might, short term.  But what about the KIDS?  What she is doing is not right.  She can say I'm this or that, but I have been more than reasonable with her, trying to find a peaceful way through this but up to now, she won't have any of it. This new boy has no idea what is in store for him and if he thinks he is special because she left the bonds of our marriage to be with him, someone needs to enlighten this guy. He is one of MANY and I can back that up with the kind of evidence that would get you convicted in court.

I'm sure it will at some point come out here since nothing seems to be sacred anymore from the other side of town.

That's all.

Jem Missing You


wish this could be
A happy song
But my happiness disappeared
The moment you were gone
Don't think I ever believed that
This day would come
Now all I'm feeling
Is lost and numb

And oh I know I promised
Mmm that I would try

But I, yes I, miss you
And it's killing inside

I'll always be thankful
For the time we had
We were blessed
I should celebrate
But I feel too sad
All the wonderful memories
Just make me fall apart
And it feels like somebody's
Stabbed me in my heart

And oh I know I promised
Mmm that I wouldn't cry

But I, yes I, miss you
And it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
Want you by my side

Walking, holding hands
Talking, making plans
Touching my heart my soul

I wish this could be
A happy song
But my happiness disappeared
The moment you were gone
Tell me it's not happening
Say it's not as it seems
Tell me that I'm gonna wake up
It's just a bad dream
Please tell me that it's fiction
Tell me it's just a lie
Whatever you choose to tell me
Please say he didn't die

And I, yes I, miss you
And it's killing inside
Ooh well I, yes I, miss you
Want you by my side
Ooh well I, miss you
Want you by my side
Back here by my side
Here by my side

I Will Fight No More Forever

To me, this is not a talk of surrender but a man with the view of the whole... the big picture. If this is truly surrender, than I have surrendered to a lot... But I believe it is so much more and unless you experience it, words are inadequate to fully express the freedom it brings... THE PEACEFUL WARRIOR, for lack of a better analogy.

 ON TO CHIEF JOSEPH... 
  
Background
     Joseph was chief of the Nez Perce, a Native American tribe of the Wallowa Valley in Northwest Oregon.  In 1877 the Nez Pierce  were ordered to a reservation, or special land reserved for Native Americans.  The Nez Pierce refused to go.  Instead, Chief Joseph tried to lead 800 of his people to Canada.  Fighting the U.S. Army all along their 1100 mile journey, they crossed Idaho and Montana.  They were trapped just forty miles from Canada.  After a five-day fight, the remaining 431 remaining Nez Perce were beaten.
     It was then, on October 5, 1877 at Bears Paw,  that Chief Joseph made his speech of surrender.  

I WILL FIGHT NO MORE FOREVER...

 I am tired of fighting. Our chiefs are killed. Looking Glass is dead. Toohulhulsote is dead. The old men are all dead. It is the young men who say yes or no. He who led the young men is dead.
It is cold and we have no blankets. The little children are freezing to death. My people, some of them, have run away to the hills and have no blankets, no food. No one knows where they are--perhaps freezing to death. I want to have time to look for my children and see how many I can find. Maybe I shall find them among the dead.
Hear me, my chiefs. I am tired. My heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands, I will fight no more forever.
 

For me, one of the most profound things ever expressed... especially if you've ever had a chance in life to relate... and haven't we all?

An African Proverb

Every morning in Africa a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster that the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up. It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. It does not matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle... when the sun comes up you better start running.

In the Darkness of Night

At night, when the world is in bed for the night an you lie there, have you ever faced yourself? Who you are? What defines you.

Let me tell you something about what is really yours, and what you think is yours.

Your home, it's not yours because you can lose it.

How about your kids? Sorry, in the blink of an  eye... gone.

How about your wife? Your best friend?

I learned through a lot of study and work inside me that there are few things that are truly mine. These things no one can take, molest or steal from you.

Your honor. Your dignity, Your sense of humor. Your commitment. Your drive. Your relationship with your Maker. And the thing inside you that tells you that you are loved... Those beautiful type things.

When I go to be at night, I do so in peace. THe kind of peace you wish you could share but you have to find it on your own.

A year ago it would have mattered to me what people would think of me if I posted something like this. You know how I feel today? That was nothing more than a passing thought.

That's all. 

Thoughts worth thinking more about...

1. Money actually does buy a level of happiness.

2. The Holy Trinity may just be Me, Myself and I.

3. Be true yourself... and those you want to maintain credibility with.

4. Love completely... then you also love yourself.

5.  Just because you are really good at something doesn't mean you aren't good at lots of things

6.  Just because someone is supposed to be an 'expert witness'  doesn't mean they they really are. Especially if they are trying to sell you something.

7.  If your heart tells you something is bull crap, it probably is.

8. If you want to see the face of God, most people have it.

9 .If you make fear based decisions you get fear based results.

10. Bravery, loyalty and treating others with respect are underrated.

11. Sometimes you just have to let problems work themselves out.

12. Playing Legos is sort of like heaven... Time means nothing and you are happy.

14. Don't be afraid to be wrong... we all are ...

15. I didn't forget to type number 13, I just don't like the number 13.

16. You can be right or you can get what you want... rarely both.

17. There  are many paths to the top of Mt. Fuji.

18. You can't be anything but happy when you have gratitude in your heart.

19. Only floss the teeth you want to keep.

20. Most of us trust others.

21. Most of us also lie.

24. Liars usually win the battle but rarely win the war.

25.No one is the center of the universe.

26. A smile goes a long way.

27. Sometimes love conquers all and sometimes love labors on.

28.  Wisdom teaches us we are nothing. Love teaches us we are everything. Life typically meanders between the two.

29. When you discover you are just you, you discover you are a child of God.

30. Anything, good or bad, compounded over time yields a greater result.

31. Happiness is right in front of us all, all the time, yet most never see it.

32. Worry is a prayer for things you don't want.

33. You can believe in yesterday and you can believe in tomorrow but this moment is the one to treasure.

34. If you don't enjoy your days you will be doomed to repeat the ones you currently experience until you do.

35. A late 19th Century poet wrote...

Even after all this time
the sun never says to the earth
"You owe me."
Look at what happens
with a love like that
It lights the whole sky.

That is really beautiful .

Gratitude...

They say wars have been fought over power, women or money, which I totally don't understand... However, this mornings cup of coffee is to die for.. Wow. Here's to Tulley's Kona Blend, Sugar and Italian Sweet Cream.

I really believe one of the ingredients to happiness in is finding something to be grateful for everyday. How can you possibly be anything other than happy when you are, right?  Today is going to be a great day... I can just feel it and it all started with my little cup of happiness.