I hope that when I wake up in the morning…

 

Tuesday, April 11, 2023

 I wake up with you beside me. I hope this is all just a bad dream…. I don’t think you’ve ever had one this bad before. I hurt inside. I didn’t know I would feel this way. 

I didn’t know this camper was too big for only one person, but I already knew time without you is really just a waste of time. Of course this day would come,  but until this moment I pretended it wouldn’t. 

I’ve learned you become acclimated to things that were once overwhelmingly painful. Now those moments you greet like an old friend who’s been with you through thick and thin. I am who I am because of countless moments such as these. 

Growing old, dying and why some of us don’t fear the inevitable.

There is a time to leave the party. You have had a good time, have had your fill, you’re a bit wobbly from too much drink and conversation. The crowd has thinned, at least of anyone you know. In fact, most of your family and many of your friends have left already. You find less and less in common with the other guests and it becomes an effort to put on a fresh face and pretend you care about petty concerns.

The newer guests are still living it up and it gives you comfort to know they will keep the party going without you.

If you stay any longer you fear you’ll make a fool of yourself. You might pee your pants or babble incoherently. No matter how hard you try, you can’t always hear what others are saying. If you stay any longer you just know you are going to become a drag and your hosts, while concerned, will have to divert time and attention to you which might be used more constructively elsewhere.

You look around and realize, the party is no longer one where you fit. They are dancing to tunes you don’t recognize and they use words not in your lexicon. You are really not interested in adapting to new ways. Peace and quiet seems more prized than frantic activity.

The thought crosses your mind: it’s time to go home.

This was written by Carolyn Wexler on Quora. What a beautiful way to express oneself.  

What have you been up to?

This happened about six years ago.  I was in a doctors office in Logan, Utah.  An older gentleman who was into retirement age walked out of one of the examination rooms and back out into the lobby where he saw another gentleman that appeared to be somewhat the senior of him. He greeted him warmly, as you would a friend, and asked how he was doing. The man looked him steady back in the eyes, but I saw those those eyes from where I sat and something behind his solid gaze belied a fear that comes with the inability to do anything about a situation you are facing.  He said in a voice hinting of some surprise and concern, “I got old.  I got old.”

That’s how I’m starting to feel.  I’m getting old. I’m not old yet like these two gentlemen were but it’s close. On occasion I’m told I look young for my age but what does that matter when Im really old?   I don’t feel my age. Let me clarify that... my body feels every year I’ve lived but my mind doesn’t... not yet.  I feel like John Lennon must’ve felt when he sung that life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. With all I’ve experienced in recent years I bet I’ve written 100 drafts that I’ve never posted on my blog because they always read back to me as too personal for the moment.  Over time I intend to publish them, as the content draws further and further from me. There’s not thing I can do about the past, and one day I’ll realize that “I got old.”  I working so that I can look back and, all in all, not wish I’d lived era’s of my life differently than I did.

Practically every single thought of mine over the last few days has been about my kids, especially the three youngest, since I saw them for the first time in a year and five months.  I could not possibly give an adequate amount of attention to all I havev felt and internalized and want to express every bit of it but that isn’t practical so allow me a few quick observations.

First, the interaction at our reunion was so very natural feeling. That’s how it was from the start.  There’s a possibility that there is more than one reason. I think most importantly it’s because we have always enjoyed an extra special relationship with both love and respect. However, I think their mom has kept me close in conversations and and knowing her as I do it was more likely than not good things. Where the thing gets fubared is was ultimately her decisions rather than my behavior that kept a child apart and no one can give us that time back. This is where I would bet she is glad she has a protective order.  In the quiet of night when she ease up on her own mental force fi has also Second, I had really felt like I had been done dirty with all this that happened and so had my kids but I had to de use what was bigger, my anger and hurt feelings or my love of my children.  I’ve seen lots of people get this one wrong in my day. I wasn’t going to get if wrong, for my kids sake, and I was to find out, for mine.  I had to let all that go, all the things that can only be classified as mean and vengeful. I had to get to s point where I was more than just ok with it.  I had to be in a place where I could discuss it and be emotionally alright with that. More than that even, I would need to be calming for the kids. People say they will do anything for their kids but they don’t really have that commitment.  I did. There’s no nice way to describe some of the things I went through and certainly no one was at fault for all of them. However, the ones I attached to mywife emotionally, I have let go. It was a process but in retrospect it feels liberating.  Last of all, some of the things that I used to think meant so much to me just doesnt anymore.  As far as my children go, it is my belief that nobody can love another as much as I love them and this is more than lip service.  My life and how I’ve lived it and the choices I’ve made say as muck.

Worth the 90 seconds you’ll spend reading it...

In a mother’s womb were two babies.

One asked the other: “Do you believe in life after delivery?”

The other replied: “Why of course. There has to be something after delivery. Maybe we are here to prepare ourselves for what we will ask later.”

“Nonsense,” said the first. “There is no life after delivery. What kind of life would that be?”

The second said, “I do not know, but there will be more light than here. Maybe we will walk with our legs and eat from our mouths. Maybe we will have other senses that we cannot now understand.”

The first replied, “That is absurd. Walking is impossible. And eating with our mouths? Ridiculous! The umbilical cord supplies nutrition and everything we need. But the umbilical cord is short. Life after delivery is to be logically excluded.”

The second insisted, “Well I think there is something and maybe it’s different than it is here. Maybe we will not need this physical cord anymore.”

The first replied, “Nonsense. And moreover, if there is life, then why has no one ever come back from there? Delivery is the end of life, and in the after-delivery there is nothing but darkness and silence and oblivion. It takes us nowhere.”

The second responded, “Well, I do not know, but certainly we will meet mother and she will take care of us.”

The first said, “Mother? You actually believe in mother? That’s laughable. If mother exists, then where is she now?”

The second said, “She is all around us. We are surrounded by her. We are of her. It is of her that we live. Without her this world would not and could not exist.”

The first said, “Well I do not see her, so it is only logical that she does not exist.”

The second replied, “Sometimes, when you’re in silence and you focus and you really listen, you can perceive her presence, and you can hear her loving voice calling down from above.”

-Utmutato a Leleknek

Oh Snap!

I'm not the typist I hoped I would be one day so things just didn't get finished as I had hoped. However, I found myself with some free time the last 70 days and ventured out into new territory and ended up writing my first novel. 

It is titled Jonathan Coverlet and the Supplanter Queen. 

What's it about?

It's a dirty story of a dirty man, And his clinging wife doesn't understand. His son is working for the Daily Mail. It's a steady job, But he wants to be a paperback writer.

Well, not really but it probably falls best into the "fantasy/horror/I'm not sure how to categorize it" genre. I'd read an Orson Scott Card introduction to Ender's Game where he explained that you can't really develop a believable character without showing how they interact with people around him. Not a person, but people is what burrowed into my brain. You're a different person with each individual you interact with. How someone treats their boss, versus a partner, versus a child, versus those he feels superior and inferior to. 

At that point I thought, oh my hell, I think I might be able to do that. I've read so much crap in my day, I'm going to give it a shot. So I started with Jonathan Coverlet had began describing his interactions with others, and a story began to form. Kind of like, "I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out." 

Did I succeed? I don't know. What I do know is I created a handful of characters that I grew to love and who took on entities of their own, or so it felt. Regardless, I personally love them all and whether or not anyone else is still reading, I consider it one of the most fulfilling experiences in my entire life. I will be posting it online, chapter by chapter as I input it into digital form, as I wrote the whole damn thing with copy paper and a number 2 pencil. Why is that?  Well, that's another post. 

So when I get chapter one into binary code I will put a link here and invite you into the world of Jonathan Coverlet's. 

I'm Sailing Away...

I've set an open course, for the virgin seas...  #snickergigglesnort

(Is it just me or wasn't Dennis DeYoung the real voice of Styx, all their songs considered?)

🛥 As we sail through life, sometimes we make mistakes. We're human, here to learn and understand in order to gain wisdom.

🛳 And as we're sailing through life, some humans choose to make mistakes that continue to hurt over and over. Those humans who've chosen NOT to learn and understand in order to gain wisdom are foolish.

🚢 Ever sailing, some of the foolish humans choose to hurt other humans over and over. These are hurtful, foolish humans masquerade as if they are not hurtful and foolish. The wise choose to spend their lives with others like themselves.

⚓️ Bottom line? As you sail through life don't lay your anchor with a fool 🤡.

🎵 You can't live your life in one day... 🎶

The question that follows reminded me of that Howard Jones song. Anyway...

Q: What is life in one word?

A: Perspective 

Follow the way of the emoji, grasshopper, and learn its wisdom.

😀😃😄😁😆😊☺️🤣😂😅😇🙂🙃😉😌😚😙😗😘😍😋😜😝😛🤑🤗🤓😎🤡🤠😟😔😞😒😏😕🙁☹️😣😖😡😠😤😩😫😶😐😑😯😦😳😵😲😮😧😱😨😰😢😥😴😪😓😭🤤🙄🤔🤥😬🤐🤕🤒😷🤧🤢😈👿👹👺💩🤝👍👎🤘✌️🤞👌🖕👋🤙👋☝️✌️🤞🤘

I wish I could say this this was my original thought but I read it somewhere else and can't remember where. If you know, email me so I can give credit where it's due.

You can describe it as Adaptation, but the things you feel you have to adapt to is again based on how you perceive the situation.

You can describe it as an experience, but you can remember it as a good one or a bad one, that is always on your perception. Same thing makes up your memories, your perception sets them as either good memories or bad ones.

Bliss, Unjust, Futile, Unfair, Struggle, Happy

These all are nothing but perceptions. We have all these words for life because these all are based on different situations each individual faced. For example, You can be in the worst of situations and still remember it by one good memory which lights you up, that will be a good memory, incident, experience in your mind. You will then just perceive it as something beautiful.

On the other hand...

You can be in the best of situations surrounded by friends and family, but a burden you are facing. A small burden which is feeling too heavy for you at the moment to handle is there. Its bringing you down and years later, when you remember that situation, you just can’t help it but remember it by that one small burden. In your perception, that will always be something sad.

So, it doesn’t matter if you are in a war or a family gathering, it doesn’t matter if you were in a car accident or publicly awarded, your perception will always define your life.

I'm Paul Harvey, good day!

So no, not really.

And so the obstacles continue in an effort to be my kid's dad...

Updated...

Originally posted in April. 

This is the last email I sent my wife.  I never did get a response, however at sentencing last week for violating the protective order (see previous posts regarding what I did to help put it in perspective) my attorney told me she was complaining that I was using the kids as hostages in the divorce. Then everybody had a good chuckle, as you have to have people in order to hold them hostage and she has kept them from me for close to a year with a protective order. (Again, see previous post for the details.)

Here is the email I sent.  I thought I was reasonable.  I can promise I was sincere. 

April 13, 2017

Hello Jamie, 

With birthdays coming up, I am giving one last go of this.  For the healthy development of our children and to lay aside personal differences for something bigger than us, I am hoping you will be willing to take one last look at what I have been communicating with you about child visitation. In return I am offering new things to you as well. 

You and I know that the courts prefer both parents to be involved in the children's lives. It would only take you giving the nod of approval and that would allow the children's lives to find some sort of balance that has been missing.   

By working together with visitation now, I am willing to offer you some unprecedented support from me. I’ll do just about anything that helps you. I will go to the courthouse today and sign that divorce or take the next available  class. Just name it. Let me be a dad who can visit with the kids in an environment they can enjoy.  I can support you in any endeavor or relationship you want to pursue... if you'll just let me be a dad.  

The girls birthdays are approaching as well as my own and while there is little chance of them seeing me on mine, there is a chance to have their dad around at some point for theirs, even if just for a few moments.  That would mean more to them than anything anyone could buy.   

I want you to be happy. I want you to pursue the things you want to as this can only lead to our children having a more fulfilling life of their own. If there is something you need to see from me so that I can visit with the kids in a healthy and nurturing environment, let me know what it is so that I can provide you with it.  Every piece of medical documentation I have gathered supports the assertion that I am good to go around my own kids and anyone else for that matter. 

I feel this is a big deal and a big moment and opportunity.  I feel that way because we can both positively affect the children in ways that would benefit them far greater than anything else we could do.  I am offering to you the support and the understanding that I know you would want and I want to give it to you. I'm asking for only a fraction of it in return.

I hope your day goes well. 

Jonathan

And that's all the news that's fit to print. 

What I connect with is who I am.

When life starts to hit me hard I read things about the importance of fatherhood and soon I'm feeling pretty good again because I connect with the positive parts of it, both the tough and the easy.  Sometimes you just "get" something. I get being a dad.

I've held strong through some messed up things because I know my worth is recognized by my children, that's a fact, and in the end that's all you need. Time will validate you were capable of complete love for another because you were committed to keeping your word and commitments. Your true love expressed with promises kept and faithful to the end. That makes me respectable. I'd like to say it makes me bad ass and cool but I already was that. 

Parenting magazine shared studies that didn't suggest, but concluded, that involved dads equal successful children.  As a father to two soon to be teenage girls, it popped right out to me that a teenage girl is less likely to become pregnant or suffer from depression if their dad is actively involved in their lives. They are less likely to have difficult school years. Hmm.  What about that!  Dads are just good to have.